NICK SABAN'S ITINERARY
Submitted by rapture on Wed, 06/13/2007 - 8:44am.
NICK SABAN'S ITENERARY
4:00 AM - Wake up.
4:01 AM - Fire secretary for misspelling 'ITINERARY.' Get security to go to her house, step in her garden, wake her ass up, get her to fix them breakfast. .... Then fire her.
4:02 AM - Watch the movie 'Gladiator' in 16X fast forward.
4:20 AM - Think about how much of a p***y Maximus is and how I could dominate his ass.
4:21 AM - Call Major. Tell him if he isn't at my house in 5 minutes I will hire Chris Simms to do his f***ing job.
4:25 AM - Tell Major who he is recruiting today. Send him on the road with a cooler and a case of Red Bull. Tell him not to come back until he has a commitment. From a 5-star.
4:26 AM - Call Kevin Steele. Ask him where the f*** are my 5-star D-line commits? Call him names. Hang up.
4:27 AM - Power nap.
4:28 AM - 3-mile jog.
4:29 AM - Play game of NCAA 07. Beat LSU 63-0.
With Valdosta State.
5:00 AM - Think about how even EA sports makes Les Miles looks like a walking bobblehead doll.
5:01 AM - Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my bagel.
5:02 AM - Get bagel from Mal. Complain that it isn't toasted enough. Slam door.
5:03 AM - Toast bagel with laser eyes, then eat it.
5:05 AM - Do whatever the hell I want for two-and-a-half hours.
7:36 AM - Wake up the daughter, tell her how much I love her, fix her breakfast, ask her how her school is going, pat her on the head, buy her a pony, kiss her on the forehead, telepathically threaten her boyfriend, and give her a ride to school.
7:39 AM: Wake up the wife.
7:39 - 10:39 AM - None of your f***ing business.
10:40 AM - Take 15-minute hot shower.
10:45 AM - Head to office.
10:50 AM - Prank-call Don Shula. Tell him that Nick Saban is looking to hire a new secretary and that if he's interested to email his resume to imadeyourentirefamilymybitch@hotmail.com. Do not disguise voice.
11:00 AM - Go to Mobile. Recruit my ass off.
11:50 AM - Go to Daphne. Recruit my ass off.
12:25 PM - Go to Louisiana. Take huge sh*t…
... inside the LSU Football Complex. Use the bathroom in Miles’ office. Do not close door.
12:26 P.M. - Use bottled skunk scent to create the illusion that my sh*t actually stinks.
12:27 P.M. – Leave toilet un-flushed. Not to be rude. Just to remind everyone at LSU that it’s Nick Saban’s job to get sh*t done, and Les Miles’ job to take care of whatever Nick Saban leaves behind.
12:29 P.M. – Enter Auburn city limits. Inhale, then hold breath.
12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waiter takes order, say “I'll have what he's having.” Wait for Tuberville to order something healthy. Then call him a p**** and order a double cheeseburger. With onion rings.
12:31 P.M. – Think of a better way to f*** with Tuberville. Adjust time.
12:30 P.M. – Meet Tommy Tuberville for lunch. When waitress takes order, say 'I'll have what he's having.' Wait for Tuberville to order. When the waitress brings out my food, send it back. When the waitress brings out Tuberville’s food, eat it. All of it. Silently, and without using silverware. Stare Tuberville in the face the whole time. Do not talk. If waitress tries to approach table again, stare at her until she cries.
1:00 P.M. – Get up from table. Ask valet for Tuberville’s car keys. Do not tip.
1:01 P.M. – Get in car. Scroll through Tuberville’s iPod. Laugh at all the p***y music he has on it.
1:02 P.M. – Morph iPod into 1987 cassette tape of “Appetite for Destruction.” Blare it. Then hit the pedal.
1:03 – 1:29 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans’ mailboxes as possible. Swerve if necessary.
1:30 P.M. – Arrive at Auburn City Sheriff’s Office.
1:31 P.M. – Beat the s**t out of Auburn City Sheriff.
Do not tell him there is a new sheriff in town. That would be too expected.
Instead, merely imply it by punching him repeatedly in the face and kidney.
1:32 – 1:54 P.M. – Hit as many Auburn fans’ pets as possible. Swerve if necessary.
1:55 P.M. – Drive to Bobby Lowder’s house. Park Tuberville’s car right next to Lowder’s wife’s car. Leave it there all night. But not before taking pictures.
1:56 P.M. – Slash both front tires. With index finger.
1:57 P.M. – Swallow keys. Hail cab.
1:58 P.M. – Exit Auburn city limits. Wait five minutes, then exhale.
1:59 P.M. – Arrive at gas station. Put on Armani suit. Smile. Ask attendant for bag of Redman chew. Do not pay for it.
2:00 P.M. – Go to SEC baseball tourney.
2:01 P.M. – Walk into batter’s box. Grab crotch. Hit pinch-hit HR.
But not for Alabama.
For whoever’s playing LSU.
2:02 P.M. – Point to scorekeeper. Tell him to just add the run, because Nick Saban doesn’t have time to run the f***ing bases.
2:03 P.M. – On way out of ballpark, spit chew in LSU batboy’s face. Make sure his eyes are open first.
2:04 P.M. - Get out cell phone. Make recruiting call to Julio Jones. Tell him that Nick Saban just hit a pinch-hit HR. In an Armani suit. Without rounding the bases. Hang up.
2:05 P.M. – Purchase phone-voice disguiser from the movie 'Scream.'
2:06 P.M. – Call Major. Ask him how he is doing.
Then ask him if Alabama recruited a 5-star QB this week.
Then ask him if Alabama got a commitment from a 5-star QB this week.
Then ask him if he enjoys the use of his thumbs.
2:07 P.M. – Fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports department.
(^^^Coach’s correction^^^) - F*** that. Nick Saban does not fax. -
2:07 P.M. – Have Secretary Shula fax letter to Dan Le Batard and the Miami-Herald Sports Dept.
Letter to read as follows:
“ATTN: Staff,
Guys, I don’t know how else I can say this. I am going to beat the ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami-Herald Sports Department.
- NICK SABAN”
2:08 P.M. – Catch the 3:15 flight to Miami.
3:00 P.M. – Beat the ever-living s*** out of Dan Le Batard and the entire Miami Herald Sports Department.
Not to show them that Nick Saban only gets violent when he feels like it. To show them that Nick Saban only keeps his word when he feels like it.
4:00 P.M. – Arrive back in Alabama. Call Real Estate Agent.
4:01 P.M. – 5:00 P.M. – Work with Real Estate agent. Buy every single movie theater, restaurant, shopping mall, outdoor park, fishing lake, and entertainment venue in the entire city of Auburn.
Close them all down immediately. If real estate agent advises against the move, threaten his life. Then tell him it is not about making money. It is about making sure people in Auburn have nothing to take their minds off the fact that Nick Saban was just hired as the Head Coach of Alabama.
5:01 P.M. – 9:01 P.M. – Go into office. Work. Recruit. Dominate. Make up for otherwise slow day.
9:02 P.M. – Go home. Hug the wife. Wink. Smile. Spit mad game.
9:03 P.M. – 12:02 A.M. – None of your f****ng business.
12:03 A.M. – Call Mal. Ask him where the f*** is my cigarette.
12:04 A.M. – Get cigarette from Mal. Complain that it isn’t lit. Slam door.
12:05 A.M. – Light cigarette with laser eyes. Then smoke it. Without filter.
12:06 A.M. – 1,000 sit-ups.
12:07 A.M. – 1,000 push-ups.
12:08 A.M. – 1,000 crunches.
12:09 A.M. – End warm-up period and begin hour-long evening workout.
12:39 A.M. – Complete hour-long evening workout.
12:40 A.M. – 1:00 A.M. – Watch 4 consecutive new episodes of ‘24’ using the DVR I stole from Lowder’s house.
1:01 A.M. – Think about how lucky Jack Bauer is for being fictional. Because if he weren’t, I would beat the s*** out of him for copy-catting my personality.
1:02 A.M. – 1:12 A.M. – Watch entire replay of “De La Hoya-Mayweather” fight.
1:13 A.M. – Think about how much more one-sided the fight would have been if it were called “De La Hoya-Saban.”
1:14 A.M. – Put cell phone on silent. Not to go to sleep. To dodge repeated late-night desperation booty calls from Jessica Alba and Eva Longoria.
3:14 A.M. – After booty calls cease, send text message to both reminding them that Nick Saban only cheats at Monopoly.
3:15 A.M. – 3:29 A.M. – Practice future National Championship Game post-game speeches. All three of them.
3:30 A.M. – 4:00 A.M. – Catch good night’s sleep. Replace the counting of sheep with the kicking of puppies.
LOL! I love it!
Forgot to mention the part where he cries for 3 minutes due to his inability to beat UF while he's at Alabama :).
DJ
Hey, most Auburn fans would probably come back with a smart-@ss reply to this, call Nick Saban names, or something to that extent. But I, for one, think he is a good coach, and am looking forward to better Iron Bowl games. The last five years, it's been rather one-sided.
Here's to making no more excuses, 'bama!
Here's to making no more excuses, 'bama!
That's a little lofty. Let's start with realistic goals.
WAR EAGLE!
...however, this post was pretty funny.
WILL SABAN DO BAMA LIKE HE DID THE DOLPHINS ??
Saban left Dolphins as a loser, weasel
BY DAN LE BATARD
dlebatard@MiamiHerald.com
The punctuation on the Nick Saban Dolphin Error is greasy and greedy. You know what he was as Dolphins coach? A failure. A loser. A gasbag. And one of the worst investments Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga has ever made. He was less of a success than Dave Wannstedt and more of a traitor than Ricky Williams. There has been very little in franchise history that came with more expectations and fewer results than this hypocrite who at the end avoided the hard questions one last time.
Talk like a warrior. Behave like a weasel.
Maybe Saban would be better off in college. Because, in the pros the last few days, he has looked like a complete and utter amateur.
He will be remembered in these parts as a quitter and a liar. He leaves the franchise in last place, with what used to be his good name somehow far lower than that. And for this he’ll get a $25 million raise and more job security in Alabama. Makes you wonder what USC’s Pete Carroll or Ohio State’s Jim Tressel are worth, doesn’t it?
Larry Coker, a decent man, gets fired for his one championship. Saban, a duplicitous one, gets the most lucrative job in college football.
Saban could have fixed his reputation today if he had that mental toughness he is always sermonizing about. We have the meandering spiel memorized by now. About ”competitive character” and ”overcoming adversity” and blah, blah, blah. You preach it, Nick. But you don’t live it. Not when it’s easier to run away and hide.
Miami, 6-10 against an easy schedule, was swept this year by younger teams in its division — the Jets and Bills. The team isn’t better than when Saban arrived, just older. What little winning Saban has done has been with players left for him by Jimmy Johnson and Dave Wannstedt. What’s the best decision Saban has made in two years? Can you name one?
So it makes sense that he would lack hope. But when his players are losing, he asks them to be proud and fight and overcome, even though what they do hurts a hell of a lot more than what he does. But now, reputation in tatters, integrity stained, he runs away from this fight — to be a dictator to kids who question less and have less power to challenge him. Of course he’d go. It’s a good deal easier. And a new crowd eager for a savior can hear his hot-air speeches about being a gladiator.
Saban made Huizenga look like a public fool with all his condescending talk of integrity recently, reprimanding reporters at every turn while his agent secretly kept taking slimy calls from Alabama in the shadows. What a raging fraud Saban sounds like today, every bit as counterfeit as Miami’s Super Bowl expectations.
Oh, a man, even one under contract, is allowed to change his mind and listen to other offers, especially those that double his salary. But what makes Saban’s behavior so unctuous recently is that he had the audacity to question the questioners with super-sized arrogance even while lying all along to his players and his boss. Huizenga has given this man everything he has wanted — given him more than any NFL owner anywhere has given any other coach. He deserves better than this. He deserves better than Saban leaving him to answer the hard questions today.
Makes you wonder, too: Huizenga went after Ricky Williams and his money with cutthroat zeal, and Williams is still paying him back. But Saban just broke a contract, too. There are no outs in Saban’s contract to go back to the minor leagues.
Remember how mad you were when Williams retired? Well, he wasn’t cheating on you. He wasn’t grabbing for more money. His body hurt from a beating, and he wanted to rest. What Saban has done is a more traitorous act — the most traitorous act in the history of the franchise. He’s leaving simply because he couldn’t handle a hard job on the sidelines of a game in which he asks others to be violent. He gave up, in other words. And filing it under ”family” now as a diluter, in search of understanding, rings hollow because you can’t believe anything the man says about this situation. You think he’d be leaving if he were 3-13?
Saban, infomercial sermonizer, talked a lot about loyalty and integrity and toughness.
But, in the end, these were not his guides.
They were only the kinds of things he demanded of others.
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